When I began working with Rachel, she shared that she had recently started dating someone she really liked. Instead of feeling excited, or even cautiously optimistic, she was terrified that she was going to mess it up.
Rachel had been in a number of relationships over the past several years, and they all seemed to follow a similar trajectory. She had no trouble meeting and attracting dates; Rachel was charismatic and it was easy for her to start conversations and keep them going.
But a few months into dating, things would shift. As her partner began trying to deepen the relationship, Rachel would pull back. She avoided sharing more personal details and sometimes picked fights to sidestep vulnerable conversations.
What looked like losing interest was actually fear. Rachel worried that if she let her guard down, she would end up getting hurt.
Rachel’s personality profile helps explain this pattern. Her high extraversion made it easy for her to connect with others. She was engaging in conversations and energized by social interaction, helping her form relationships quickly and create early chemistry with potential partners.
At the same time, Rachel was lower in agreeableness, the personality trait that reflects how trusting and open we are with others. This made it harder for her to let her guard down, even in relationships she genuinely valued.
If you recognize yourself in these patterns, you’re not alone. And the good news is that we can take intentional steps to shift personality traits to better align with our goals.
It’s Not That You Don’t Want Relationships
Personality traits are descriptions of your patterns of thinking and behaviors; they summarize your default way of operating in the world to date.
People who are lower in agreeableness might notice thoughts like:
I have to look out for myself
If I let people get to know me, they won’t like what they see
All relationships end
If I care, I’ll get hurt
These thought patterns don’t develop in a vacuum. They are shaped by early experiences with caregivers, friends, and past partners. If you’ve been in relationships where people were inconsistent, critical, or unavailable, your brain begins to make assumptions about what you can expect from other people.
These assumptions affect the behaviors we carry forward into new relationships. Low agreeableness can show up as being guarded, questioning others’ intentions, never asking for help, or shifting blame when someone gives you feedback.
Engaging in behaviors like these doesn’t mean you don’t want close relationships. Often, these patterns serve a protective function.
For example, someone might brag or emphasize their accomplishments in a way that comes across as off-putting. But underneath that behavior is often a desire to be seen as worthy – and attempt to secure connection by proving value upfront.
Similarly, picking fights or creating distance when a relationship starts to deepen can function as a way to stay in control. If you end things first, you won’t be the one who gets hurt.
Although these behaviors protect you in the short-term, they also affect how other people respond to you. If you behave defensively, others will probably distance themselves. This is important because it provides more evidence that you can’t count on people.
Because these patterns are learned through experience, you can also unlearn them with corrective data.
Changing How You Think About Trust
One of the most powerful shifts you can make is moving away from all-or-nothing thinking about trust.
When trust has been broken in the past, it’s easy to default to “no one can be trusted.”
It can be helpful to consider different ways we count on people to show up for us.
Do they keep my confidence?
Do they make time for me?
Would they help me move or pick me up from the airport?
Do they show up on time? Do they cancel a lot?
Do they provide validating emotional support?
When you start to break trust down into specific domains, you may notice that most people are trustworthy in some ways, even if they’re not trustworthy in every way.
So, instead of asking, “Can I trust this person?” try asking:
“In what ways can I trust this person?”
This allows you to calibrate how much you rely on different people, rather than defaulting to keeping your distance.
Changing Your Behavior in Relationships
Shifting how you think is important can help you feel more confident showing up differently in your relationships.
To start, brainstorm small changes you could make to how you interact with others. This could look like pushing yourself to share something slightly more personal with a coworker, or asking a friend for help. You could plan to open up about your anxiety in relationships when you feel the urge to push someone away.
At first, these changes will feel uncomfortable. However, each time you try something new, you create an opportunity to learn. Do people show up for me when I ask? Can I handle uncertainty without seeking reassurance? Can I share personal information about myself without being immediately rejected?
The more you give people a chance (by changing your behaviors), the more you will learn to trust. And the more trusting you are, the less likely you are to engage in unhelpful relationship behaviors. These learning experiences will free you up to pursue your values in your romantic relationships, family relationships, and friendships.
The Bottom Line
Trust isn’t built by waiting until you feel safe. It’s built by giving people the chance to show up differently than your past experiences taught you to expect. When you shift your thinking and take small interpersonal risks, you create new evidence that connection is possible, allowing your relationships to grow in ways that actually align with what you want.
Next Steps
If you recognize these patterns, you don’t have to keep repeating them. The Personality Edit gives you a clear, research-backed way to shift how you think, feel, and show up in your relationships.
If you’re curious how your fall on agreeableness and the other 4 traits in the Big Five, you can take my science-backed personality test.
