How seasonal stress and family dynamics activate older versions of your personality
When I was a teenager, I’d almost always end up in tears during holiday gatherings with my extended family. Someone would make a comment that hit a little too close to home, and when I tried to stand up for myself, they’d insist that I couldn’t take a joke or was “too sensitive.”
After I graduated college and moved away for graduate school, I thought I had grown into a confident, competent professional. Yet, when I’d go home for the holidays I’d fall right back into those old dynamics. It felt like my inner 14-year-old took the wheel; I was more emotionally reactive, quieter, and less assertive.
I know I’m not alone. Every year, my clients tell me “I’ve been making so much progress, but five minutes at my parents’ house and it all goes out the window.”
Does returning to old patterns when faced with old situations mean your growth isn’t real – that you’re still the same person you’ve always been?
Long story short, the answer is “no.” Sliding into old roles is a completely normal, well-documented phenomenon in personality science. Let’s talk about why this happens—and what to do about it.
A Few Slips Doesn’t Define Your Personality
Personality is your characteristic way of thinking and behaving. Do you generally experience big emotions or are you less reactive? Do you usually plan ahead or fly by the seat of your pants? Are you typically the person driving the conversation or do you often find yourself hanging back to observe during social situations?
Importantly, personality is not black and white. Even though we often think about personality traits as categories (e.g., introvert vs. extrovert), traits actually exist on a continuum. People can fall anywhere along that spectrum (e.g., always introverted, often introverted, 50/50 depending on the situation, often extraverted, always extraverted).
Where you fall on a particular trait is the average across all situations in your life. So if you are generally even-keeled and confident, a few days of heightened emotions and second-guessing yourself at your parents doesn’t mean your personality is right back where you started.Your Personality Naturally Evolves With Age
It is also good to know that personality traits change as we age. On average, people tend to become less emotionally reactive, more conscientious, and experience more harmonious relationships as we age (Roberts et al., 2017). Some people change a lot and some hold steady.
Most of this personality change occurs between the ages of 20 and 40 (Roberts et al., 2013). This is the time in your life when most people are moving away from family and are able to have more say in who they hang out with and what activities they do.
When you move into a new environment, different behaviors start getting reinforced. For example, maybe when you were a kid you were only taken seriously when you started yelling. However, in your adult relationships with partners and friends, losing your temper is less likely to lead to a positive outcome, making it less likely that you’d keep engaging in that behavior. Over time, as your communication becomes more effective, you’re becoming more agreeable.
Holidays, Stress, and Old Patterns
Family dynamics operate like emotional muscle memory. Even if you generally behave in a certain way, your family may still interact with an older version of you, subtly (or not so subtly) nudging you back into old roles. For example, if you grew up trying to keep the peace by sacrificing your needs, you might find yourself agreeing to sleep in a separate room from your partner to appease your parents – something you’d normally not do.
Additionally, in times of stress, it is easier to fall back into familiar patterns. When your bandwidth is low, your brain looks for short cuts. The behaviors your family pulls from you were learned early, practiced often, and reinforced repeatedly, so under stress, your brain dusts them off because they’re efficient, familiar, and require less energy than the newer patterns you’re working on. And, of course, the holidays are stressful!
You’re Allowed to Outgrow Old Patterns
The holidays may remind you of who you used to be, but you still get to choose who you’re becoming. With intention, awareness, and small strategic actions, you can show up as the version of yourself you’re actively shaping. Here are the takeaways:
- Keep it simple. Choose one trait you’re shifting (e.g., being less reactive, being more assertive) that you’d like to deliberately practice maintaining while you’re with your family.
- Plan small behaviors that align with this trait (e.g., taking a 30-second pause before responding to a triggering comments, sharing your opinion during dinner)
- Don’t sweat small setbacks. If you slip into an old role, try not to feel too discouraged. It doesn’t mean you’re back to where you started.
If you want a clear path to personality growth, my Personality Compass Roadmap gives you science-backed tools to develop the best version of yourself.
