Originally published on Psychology Today.
How Early Praise for Being Helpful Fuels Perfectionism & Burnout
When I ask my clients what they were praised for growing up, I hear the same answers again and again:
- “Being so helpful.”
- “Never causing trouble.”
- “Always doing what I was told.”
- “Getting straight A’s.”
On the surface, these sound like admirable qualities. Who wouldn’t want their child to be helpful, compliant, and high-achieving? But beneath this praise lies a powerful behavioral force shaping their adult lives.
The Science of Reinforcement: Why Praise is Powerful
Behavioral psychology tells us that positive reinforcement—adding something desirable after a behavior—makes that behavior more likely to occur in the future. For many girls, praise becomes the ultimate reinforcer. When they accommodate others, when they say yes, when they avoid conflict or prioritize others’ needs, they are told: “You’re such a good girl,” “Thank you for being so easy,” or “I knew I could count on you.”
This positive reinforcement feels good in the moment. But over time, it conditions a deep association between compliance and self-worth. Being agreeable and helpful becomes not just a behavior, but part of one’s identity.
The Slippery Slope to Perfectionism and People-Pleasing
Fast forward to adulthood, and these same women often become high achievers who struggle to say no. They may overcommit themselves for fear of disappointing someone. They tie their self-work to how productive and efficient they are.
Fear as a Maintenance Factor: Once a woman learns her worth is linked to being helpful, accommodating, and flawless, fear drives her choices. Fear of what might happen if she slips up, makes a mistake, or commits a minor social faux pas. Fear of rejection. She doesn’t have experience with what happens when she can’t deliver, so the “what ifs” spiral: What if they’re disappointed? What if they think I’m incompetent? What if they stop valuing me altogether? Without evidence to the contrary, these fears feel absolute—and compliance feels like the only safe option.
Avoidance Keeps the Cycle Going: To manage these fears, women avoid setting boundaries, avoid saying no, and avoid risking disapproval. This avoidance provides immediate relief—a powerful negative reinforcer—because it temporarily reduces anxiety about rejection or criticism. But in the long run, it keeps them trapped in roles that exhaust them.
The Cost of Chronic Compliance: The ultimate cost of this behavioral conditioning is misalignment. These women live lives that look impressive on paper but feel empty in their bodies. Their days are packed with obligations and expectations that reflect everyone else’s needs—except their own.
They’re left wondering:
- Why do I feel so disconnected from myself?”
- “Why do I feel guilty resting or doing something just for me?”
- “Why, despite all I achieve, do I never feel like enough?”
Breaking the Cycle
The good news is that behavioral patterns can be reconditioned. Here are first steps for high-achieving women ready to break free from “good girl” conditioning:
- Spot the Script: Notice when you say yes out of fear rather than desire.
- Tolerate Discomfort: Expect guilt or anxiety when you set a boundary—it’s a sign you’re unlearning old reinforcement patterns.
- Reward New Behavior: Instead of focusing on external praise, reinforce your boundary-setting with internal validation: “That was hard, but I honored myself today.”
Learn more about how to spot when “good girl conditioning” is taking the wheel, and how to bring yourself back into alignment with my free 5-day Masterclass.
