How choice overload and mental load hijack your quiet moments
*Originally published on Psychology Today.
You finally get an hour to yourself. The kids are occupied, your email is quiet, and you’ve closed the last Zoom tab. This is your moment.
And then… you freeze.
Should you take a nap? Go for a run? Organize that closet? Catch up on your favorite show? You run through every possibility, weigh the pros and cons, and before you know it—your “rest” time is gone.
If you’ve experienced this, you’re not lazy, bad at relaxing, or “too Type A.” You might just be caught in the trap of choice overload and mental load.
Source: Vladislav Muslakov/Unspalsh/Used with Permission
The Paradox of Choice in Downtime
Psychologists have known for decades that having too many options can actually make us less happy. Barry Schwartz, author of The Paradox of Choice, explains that while some choice is good, too much can lead to anxiety, second-guessing, and regret.
This “choice overload” effect applies to leisure just as much as it does to picking cereal at the grocery store. In fact, the stakes can feel even higher when you have limited free time—there’s pressure to “make the most of it.” That pressure turns relaxation into another performance metric.
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Baumeister and colleagues (2000s) coined the term decision fatigue to describe the way our self-control and decision-making resources get depleted after making many choices. By the time you hit your “me time,” you’ve already made dozens—what to wear, which emails to answer first, how to word that text to your friend.
The result? Your brain doesn’t want one more decision, even about something enjoyable. That’s why you might default to mindless scrolling—it’s the path of least resistance when you’re tapped out.
The Mental Load that Never Shuts Down
For women, especially high-achieving women juggling work, caregiving, and community commitments, downtime isn’t truly “off” time. Even in rest, the mental load—the invisible labor of remembering, planning, and anticipating—keeps running in the background.
Research by Daminger (2019) breaks this cognitive labor into stages: anticipating needs, identifying options, deciding, and monitoring. When you finally get a pocket of time, you might still be subconsciously tracking your family’s schedules, unfinished work projects, and errands. That background noise can make it hard to choose a single restorative activity without guilt.
How to make free time actually feel free
Your brain will always default to urgency if you don’t give it something more important to anchor to. That’s where values come in—when you know what matters most to you, it’s easier to let go of the pressure to “use” time perfectly.
- Anchor your rest to what you value most
Before the week starts, identify one restorative activity that reflects a personal value—connection, creativity, curiosity, or health. If health is a value, your default might be a walk outside. If connection matters most, maybe it’s calling a friend. Pre-deciding means you skip the “what should I do?” spiral and move right into something meaningful. - Choose presence over productivity
Cognitive load theory (Sweller, 1988) shows that multitasking dilutes your experience. Your values can help you protect your attention. If joy is a value, let yourself fully watch that movie. If learning is a value, read without feeling guilty for “not doing more.” - Redefine “worthwhile”
Our culture tells us that leisure is only justified if it’s productive or “earned.” But if one of your values is vitality, then rest itself is worthwhile—it fuels the energy you need to live in alignment. Drop the idea that downtime has to be optimized, and instead ask: Does this choice help me live the kind of life I want?
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The Bigger Picture
Feeling overwhelmed by free time is not a personal failing—it’s a predictable outcome of modern life, especially for women managing multiple roles. The solution isn’t just “try harder to relax,” but to work with your brain’s natural limits: simplify choices, reduce background cognitive load, and create rituals that make rest automatic.
When you take the pressure off and give yourself a default plan, you reclaim your time not as another to-do, but as something that actually nourishes you.
In my free Masterclass, Aligned by Design, you’ll learn how to close those mental tabs, protect your time, and live in line with your values—before burnout hits. Sign up here.
