Have you ever told yourself, “I feel like I’ve been busy all day, but I got nothing done?”
If you’re like many of the women I work with, you’re constantly responding—to emails, to calls from your kids’ school, to colleagues popping in to ask “do you have a sec.” You’re switching from task to task as new requests come through, but you don’t have a spare minute to connect with the bigger picture. At the end of the day, you’re exhausted, but your projects or priorities haven’t been pushed forward.
This is the result of confusing reacting with choosing.
What’s the Difference?
Reacting is what happens when you move through your day on autopilot. You’re constantly fielding every ping, every request, every “got a minute?” as it comes in. It’s like playing a never-ending game of whack-a-mole—emails, Slack messages, kid drop-offs, last-minute meeting invites—pop, pop, pop. You are so concerned with responding quickly to each one that you never stop to ask yourself whether it deserves your time or energy in the first place.
In the short term, it feels productive. You’re crossing tasks off your to-do list – never mind that the list keeps getting longer as more emails come through. But the cost of reactivity is that it leaves you scattered, drained, and at the mercy of other people’s priorities. You end the day depleted, with little energy left for the things that matter most to you.
Source: Content Pixie/unsplash/used with permission
Choosing, by contrast, is intentional. It means pausing before responding and asking:
- Is this really urgent or can it wait?
- Does it align with my values – the bigger picture that drives your priorities?
Instead of being driven by urgency, you’re guided by what’s important. Choosing doesn’t mean you stop working hard or helping others. It means your energy is directed where it will have the biggest impact for you, your career, and your relationships. And that might look like closing her email provider for a few hours while you do deep work on a project you’re passionate about.
Why the Reactivity Cycle Feels So Hard to Break
Our brains are wired to love reacting. When you answer an email or say yes to a request, you get a quick hit of relief or accomplishment. We call this reinforcement. When something makes you feel good, you’re more likely to keep doing it, even if it leaves you overloaded in the long run.
Intentional choice, on the other hand, doesn’t give the same instant payoff. It requires tolerating a little discomfort like the guilt of saying no, the awkwardness of pausing when someone reaches out, or the fear that you might let someone down. Despite initial discomfort, research shows that aligning your actions with your values is strongly tied to greater well-being, life satisfaction, and long-term confidence.
How to Start Choosing Instead of Reacting
Here are evidence-based strategies that help shift from reactive autopilot to intentional living:
- Identify your values. The confidence to choose comes when you know what matters most to you—whether that’s family time, creativity, leadership, or health. Clear values act like a filter, helping you decide what deserves your yes.
- Pause before saying yes. Even a few seconds of reflection can break the cycle of automatic agreement. Try asking yourself: Will this move me closer to my values, pull me further away, or simply distract me from the bigger picture?
- Experiment with boundaries. Treat each “no” as a small test. You might discover that colleagues still respect you, your family adjusts, and you actually gain energy for the opportunities that excite you. Each successful experiment is evidence your brain can use to build confidence in your ability to choose.
The Payoff of Choosing
When you practice choosing instead of reacting, the benefits compound. You move forward on projects and passions that leave you feeling fulfilled, with energy left over for life outside of work. Over time, you’ll notice that success feels less like constantly proving yourself and more spacious.
Need support choosing with intention. Download my free anti-overwhelm checklist: Should I Do This?
