*originally published on psychologytoday.com
Many of the ambitious women I work with share certain personality traits: perfectionism, people pleasing, anxiety-proneness. Although these traits have likely contributed to the success they’ve achieved both professionally and personally, they can also be a first-class ticket to exhaustion and burnout.
Most also think “this is just how it is – I’m just like this.” They believe they can’t change and they’re destined to stay tightly wound and overcommitted. Or, they worry that if they were to drop the rope, they’d lose their edge.
As a research psychologist who develops and tests interventions for personality change, I’m here to tell you that neither of these beliefs about traits are true. You can change the traits that no longer serve you, and letting go of perfectionism, people pleasing, and anxiety does not automatically mean you’ll lose the success you’ve worked so hard for.
Source: Vitaly Gariev/unsplash/used with permission
A Quick Primer on Personality
There’s a lot of information available on the web about personality and personality tests. Unfortunately, much of that information is not based in science. Commercial personality tests that assign people to a “types” don’t actually have much research support – they predict career success about as well as your zodiac sign.
When research psychologists talk about personality, we overwhelmingly refer to the “big five” : five traits that can explain the differences between people.
Neuroticism reflects how sensitive you are to stress and negative emotions, ranging from easily rattled to calm and emotionally steady.
Extraversion captures how much you thrive on stimulation and social connection, from outgoing to more reserved.
Openness to Experience describes your curiosity and creativity, from imaginative and adventurous to practical and routine-oriented.
Agreeableness reflects how motivated you are to maintain harmony with others, from cooperative and empathetic to more assertive and blunt.
Conscientiousness is about organization and self-discipline, ranging from dependable and detail-oriented to flexible and spontaneous.
Personality Traits Exist On a Continuum
As you can see from these descriptions of the Big Five traits, they exist on a continuum. In other words, you aren’t an introvert or an extrovert – this or that; instead, you have a level of extraversion that can be adjusted up and down like a dial on a radio. Here’s how this applies the traits that often show up in high achieving women.
From People-Pleasing to Assertiveness
At very high levels, agreeableness can look like saying yes to every request, avoiding conflict, or overexplaining so no one feels disappointed – otherwise known as people pleasing. Shifting this trait doesn’t mean you become callous and selfish. Instead, nudging your agreeableness down just a little can look like healthy assertiveness. You can express your needs and set boundaries in ways that allow you to focus on what matters, perhaps increasing your success, without burning out. Imagine this: Instead of automatically agreeing to cover a colleague’s project, an assertive approach might be, “I’d love to support, but I don’t have capacity right now. Could we revisit this after X deadline?”
From Perfectionism to Values-Aligned Conscientiousness
At very high levels, conscientiousness can show up as over-preparing, over-polishing, and struggling to delegate—classic perfectionism. These habits may help you avoid mistakes, but they also keep you working long past the point of diminishing returns and leave little room for rest or creativity. Shifting this trait doesn’t mean lowering your standards or becoming careless. Instead, dialing conscientiousness back just a notch can look like values-aligned conscientiousness—directing your effort toward the projects that actually matter most. Imagine this: Instead of staying up until midnight tweaking every slide in a presentation, you decide it’s “good enough” and protect your energy so you can deliver it with confidence the next morning.
From Anxiety-Proneness to Emotional Flexibility
High neuroticism often looks like anxiety-proneness: overthinking, bracing for the worst, or replaying every small misstep in your head. While vigilance can sometimes push you to prepare, living in a constant state of worry is mentally exhausting and can stall progress. Shifting this trait doesn’t mean ignoring problems or pretending everything’s fine. Instead, nudging neuroticism down toward emotional flexibility means learning to ride out stress with more perspective. You might still feel nervous before a big meeting, but instead of spiraling, you tell yourself, “This is normal—I can handle it.” The result is less energy spent on what-ifs and more on showing up fully for the opportunities that excite you.
Personality Traits Aren’t Fixed
You might be thinking “being a bit less perfectionistic and neurotic sounds great, but you can’t change your personality.” Psychologists used to believe personality traits were set in stone by early adulthood. Moreover, popular personality tests that assign you a “type” promote the idea that you should design your life around the traits you already have.
But decades of research actually show that traits can and do change across the lifespan (Roberts et al., 2017). Even better, my research shows that intentional practices can help accelerate those changes (Sauer-Zavala et al., 2023).
That means you’re not stuck with traits that keep you overloaded. You can cultivate qualities that move you toward success without the burnout side effect.
The Takeaway
You don’t need a new personality to stop burning out. You need to nudge the traits you already have down to a level that allows you to live a life that feels as good as it looks on paper.
When you practice assertiveness, emotional flexibility, and values-aligned conscientiousness, you’re not just surviving your achievements, you’re creating what I like to call “spacious success.
I’ve spent my career studying how personality traits shift—and creating interventions that help people accelerate that change. My Spacious Success Program is where I bring that science to ambitious women like you: translating decades of research into practical tools that help you step out of reaction mode and into a life that feels lighter and intentional.
