How Motherhood Gently Rewired My Traits
Today is the ten-year anniversary of the day I became a parent. And what a difference a decade makes. In place of a squishy, swaddled lump of a baby, I now have a vibrant, athletic, kind-hearted, extremely loud almost 5th grader.
On milestone birthdays like this, it can be easy to focus on how much my daughter has grown and developed over the years. However, as a researcher who studies intentional personality change, I wanted to take today to reflect on the ways becoming a parent inspired me to nudge some of my traits.
Before we go too far, here’s a quick primer on personality. Research tells us that there are 5 traits (e.g., The Big Five) that can summarize personality differences across people: Neuroticism (propensity to experience negative emotions), Extraversion (tendency toward positivity and energy), Conscientiousness (being organized, achievement-oriented, and reliable), Agreeableness (tendency to be trusting, kind, generous), and Openness (to experiences, ideas, aesthetics).
Importantly, there is no universally optimal level of these traits. Instead, the right level of each trait for YOU depends on your goals and values.
I am high in conscientiousness. Most people would consider that a good thing – and it is. This trait helped gain success in a competitive field (academic psychology). It helps me keep a tidy house, finish projects, and show up on time. At the same time, you can definitely have too much of a good thing when it comes to conscientiousness. When this trait is really high, it looks like rigid perfectionism. The same thing that gave me an edge at work became a liability when it came to parenting.
For example, I looked forward to nap time like my sanity depended on them. That hour was my only window to catch up on work or load the dishwasher. So when she skipped a nap or woke up early, I’d get visibly tense. Not angry at her—just thrown off, flustered, unable to pivot. My over-reliance on structure and schedules, which served me well at work, actually caused me distress as a parent.
I knew I needed to make a change – not to my schedules or systems – but to myself. I wanted to be a responsive, tuned-in, fun parent. I wanted my daughter to feel like her needs in the moment were more important than the schedule I had in my head. Personality change is about disrupting behavioral and thought patterns. How would a flexible, but still conscientious, mom respond to a missed nap? I started with a productivity pivot, like putting my daughter in the stroller for a walk (“I’m getting exercise so it’s still productive, right?”). Next, I challenged myself to simply play with my daughter without my phone for five minutes, then ten, then for a half hour. Although I don’t particularly enjoy imaginative play and I didn’t get the familiar rush of crossing something off my to-do list, I got a different reward – seeing joy on my daughter’s face. I also got really good at reminding myself that taking thirty minutes to play or waiting until the weekend to put away the laundry does not mean I’m going to fall into a productivity slump.
Now, when there’s an unexpected snow or sick day and I have to pivot my plans, I take it in stride. It’s been a long road, but now I see these as opportunities to slow down, to snuggle my daughter, and mindfully drink hot cocoa with a movie on in the background.
I’ve also worked to nudge down another trait: neuroticism. I’m naturally sensitive to noise and commotion, and let’s just say children are not known for their quiet, orderly vibes. The constant chatter, loud play, and endless repetition (“Mom. Mom. MOM!”) used to grate on me in a way that felt almost physical. I’d clench my jaw, snap at little things, or try to escape the noise instead of engaging. Over time, I realized I wasn’t going to change the volume of my household—but I could change my response to it. I started building in quick resets (like stepping outside for a minute), turning the noise into a cue to ground myself, and reminding myself that loud doesn’t mean bad. Little by little, my patience expanded—not perfectly, but enough to stay present in the chaos without needing to fix or flee it.
Personality change doesn’t require a full reinvention—it starts with small, intentional shifts. Noticing the patterns that don’t serve you. Imagining how the version of you you’re becoming might respond instead. Practicing that response, again and again, until it starts to feel like second nature. For me, parenting didn’t just shape my child’s development—it transformed mine. If you’ve ever felt stuck in habits that don’t align with the kind of parent, partner, or person you want to be, take heart: change is possible.
On a Personality Change Path and Looking for Support?
I offer Personality Coaching! We start by getting clarity on how your personality may support or hinder your journey toward your personal and professional goals. Then, I teach you science-backed tools that have been proven to shift traits that are no longer serving us. These sessions are designed to give you everything you need
