When my daughter was about a year old, she was getting ready to take her first steps. We had some friends from out of town driving through our area and we decided to meet up at a nearby train-themed amusement park. Did we have fun? I honestly can’t remember because I spent the whole time thinking about how I was going to have to stay up late (on a Saturday) to work on a grant proposal.
This experience is incredibly common amongst the women I work with. They might be physically present playing Uno with their kids, or meeting up with friends for dinner. But, mentally, they have a running ticker-tape of to-dos running through their heads: “what am I going to make for dinner,” “I need to schedule a teeth cleaning,” “I have to order a birthday present for my kid’s friend, “when was the last time I exercised.”
That constant hum of “shoulds” steals joy. Even in the moments to be present for the most, our minds are busy rehearsing the future or rehashing the past.
Source: Patrick Perkins/unsplash/used with permission
Why do we have so many mental tabs open?
Invisible, ongoing project management often falls disproportionately to women. Importantly, it’s not the tasks themselves that distract us and drain our energy. It’s mentally keeping track of all the to-dos that keep things running smoothly at work and at home. Who needs what, by when, and how to make it happen.
Even when the people in our lives ask “what can I help you with,” delegating still requires that you have to remember the task, break it down, and explain it clearly enough for someone else to take over. In other words, you’re still carrying the mental responsibility.
When our attention is pulled in many directions, it robs us of the chance to fully experience positive moments, and the emotions that arise from them. In fact, a large study by Killingsworth and Gilbert (2010) found that people reported being less happy when their minds wandered—regardless of what they were doing. The mental tabs keep us from feeling joy, gratitude, or connection in the everyday moments that matter most.
Using your values to prioritize which tabs you keep?
One way to quiet the noise is by getting clear on your values. Values act like a compass, pointing you toward what matters most and what doesn’t. When you know your top priorities, it becomes easier to let go of the endless “shoulds” that crowd your mental space.
Not every tab deserves to stay open. If being present with your kids is a core value, then maybe you still prioritize reading to your kids but push baking for the school fundraiser off your plate. If nurturing your health is important to you, then you might prioritize a morning walk or a workout that energizes you, while letting go of the pressure to volunteer for yet another after-hours project at work. When you are able to streamline your commitments based on your values, it translates to fewer tabs fighting for your attention, along with more energy to fully enjoy the ones that remain.
How to focus on one tab at a time
If values are the compass that helps you decide which tabs deserve to stay open, mindfulness is the skill that lets you focus on just one at a time. Think of it like training a muscle. The more often you practice bringing your attention back to the present, the stronger your ability to direct your focus becomes.
One simple way to start is with mindful anchoring. The first step is to choose a physical cue; this could be a deep breath, placing your feet flat on the floor, or even lightly touching your thumb and forefinger together. Whenever you notice your mind wandering, your cue becomes your reminder to pause and reorient to what’s happening right in front of you.
If you’re playing with your kid and you start thinking about all the chores that need to get done, try not to get frustrated with yourself. Everyone’s mind wanders. The goal isn’t to never get distracted—it’s noticing that you’re distracted and gently returning your focus to whatever you’re doing in the present. Each time you do this, it’s like a rep at the gym. Over time, those “mental bicep curls” build attentional control “muscle.”
The bottom line
Mental overload may feel like the price of admission for modern success, but it doesn’t have to run your life. By clarifying your values and practicing the simple act of noticing where your attention is, you can begin to close the extra tabs and focus on the ones that matter most. The result isn’t just less stress—it’s more joy, energy, and connection in the very moments you don’t want to miss.
Need support
If your mental tabs feel endless and you’re ready for practical tools to finally quiet the noise, I’d love to invite you to my free masterclass:
From Exhausted to Energized: The 3 Shifts That Make Success Feel Spacious, Not Draining ✨
In just 90 minutes, I’ll share the science-backed strategies I’ve used with ambitious women around the world to help them reclaim their energy, set confident boundaries, and actually enjoy the success they’ve worked so hard for.
October 5th | 8PM ET
Free, live, and with time for Q&A
https://dashboard.personality-compass.com/energized
Because success that drains you isn’t really success at all.