Most people think of comparison and competitiveness as fixed characteristics. You’re either competitive or you’re not. You’re the type of person who compares themself to others or you’re not.
But from a personality science perspective, comparing yourself to others and being competitive are better understood as patterns of thinking and behavior that develop over time. And like most personality patterns, they are malleable.
Understanding why these tendencies develop and how they’re reinforced can help us approach this side of our personality with compassion, and makes a great jumping off point to
Why Comparison and Competitiveness Exist in the First Place
Making comparisons is one of the brain’s oldest tools. Humans evolved in social groups where tracking status, resources, and relative standing had real survival value. Comparing yourself to others helped you learn what was expected, what was possible, and where you fit.
Competitiveness builds on that same system. It can increase motivation, persistence, and performance, especially in environments where resources, recognition, or opportunities are scarce. In moderate doses, competitiveness is associated with achievement, leadership, and goal attainment.
From a personality standpoint, these tendencies often overlap with:
- Neuroticism: Comparison that is fueled by anxiety, self-doubt, or fear of falling behind
- Conscientiousness: Effort and persistence that is fueled by competition
- (Lower) Agreeableness: The urge to take care of yourself first because you believe that resources or success are limited
In other words, comparison and competitiveness aren’t inherently unhealthy. They can start as useful responses to real demands. Want to know where you fall on these traits? Take a free, science-backed personality test right here.
How These Personality Patterns Get Reinforced and Grow
Problems arise when comparison and competitiveness become the default way of relating to yourself and others.
Each time you compare yourself and feel a surge of motivation (I need to work harder) or relief (At least I’m not behind them), this behavior gets reinforced. Each time competitiveness helps you avoid shame, insecurity, or vulnerability, the urge to compete grows.
As these patterns snowball over time, comparison becomes more automatic and self-worth can be contingent on how you measure up. This is where neuroticism starts to increase. The more you compare yourself, the more opportunities you’ll have to find yourself lacking. Of course, this increases the frequency and intensity of emotional reactions like envy, anxiety, resentment, or self-criticism (i.e., neuroticism). After a while, comparison starts to drain energy and erode confidence, instead of motivating action.
Additionally, when you approach the world with a competitive disposition, other people’s success feels threatening instead of inspiring. That’s when we see agreeableness decrease. When we view success or other resources as limited, it’s harder to feel genuine goodwill toward others. The desire to collaborate with others goes down and relationships can become strained.
Unchecked, these patterns can lead to:
- Chronic dissatisfaction, even in the presence of success
- Difficulty enjoying accomplishments before moving the goalposts
- Strained relationships due to envy, defensiveness, or one-upmanship
- Burnout driven by pressure to constantly prove yourself
Ironically, the very strategies that once helped you succeed can start to undermine both well-being and performance.
Nudging These Traits in a Healthier Direction
Because comparison and competitiveness are learned patterns of thinking and behavior, they can also be unlearned. Personality change starts with small tweaks to your thoughts and trying out new micro-behaviors. When those deviations from your typical approach go okay,
Here are a few evidence-based ways to start:
1. Practice noticing without acting. When you notice comparing thoughts or competitive urges, the goal isn’t to suppress them. Instead, try to view them as mental events that you can choose to respond to or not.
2. Shift your internal dialog. Instead of asking how your performance compares to someone else, reflect on whether you’re acting in line with your values. This reduces threat-based comparison
3. Actively practice cooperation. Congratulating others, celebrating their wins, or collaborating instead of competing builds agreeableness because acting like the person you want to be is the backbone of reshaping personality.
Personality Is a Pattern—And Patterns Can Change
If you’ve ever thought I’m just competitive or I can’t help comparing myself to others, it’s worth reconsidering that story.
Comparison and competitiveness aren’t fixed traits, they’re labels we use to describe patterns of thinking and behavior that have been shaped over time. When we make changes to our thoughts and our actions, the underlying personality traits they’re connected to also change.
This is what personality change actually looks like. It is not becoming someone else. It’s learning to show up differently in the parts of your life that matter to you.
Want to Work on These Patterns More Directly?
For the past 15 years, I’ve helped people change personality patterns like comparison, emotional reactivity, and self-criticism. The Personality Edit is a self-guided program based on that work, designed to help you reduce neuroticism and respond to yourself and others more flexibly.
