Early in my career, my mentor would complain about how much time it took to respond to emails and I remember thinking “I can’t wait until I’m important enough to have so many people reaching out.”
I was equating success with busyness and this perspective carried over to other parts of my career. I said “yes” to everything that crossed my desk.
A new research collaboration? Yes.
Could I take on another client? Yes.
Writing one more grant proposal? Of course.
I told myself this was how ambitious people succeed—by showing up everywhere, for everyone.
And, like most people who make themselves indispensable, I was rewarded for it with promotions and professional recognition. These external rewards were reinforced by the belief that success comes from being the “go-to girl,” the fastest to respond to emails, the one who always shows up.
The worst part – I have a PhD in clinical psychology and I develop and test treatments for high functioning anxiety. Working with overachieving women is kind of my bread and butter.
That’s how deep productivity culture runs – I’d helped countless people break free from “shoulds” to live lives more aligned with their values. And while I felt like that made sense for them, it didn’t feel okay for me – I still had to prove my value.
As a result, I was stretched thin, exhausted, and rarely doing my best work. I was reacting to whatever opportunities came my way, not choosing with intention.
Why Boundaries Feel Scary
I know my experience is not unique. For high-achieving women especially, setting boundaries around your time and energy can feel selfish or even dangerous. When you’ve been praised from a young age for being the dependable one, it is hard to decouple your worth from your to-do list. You worry that saying “no” will cause people to think less of you and to pass over you for opportunities in the future. Since you always say “yes” to what’s asked of you, you literally have no data on what actually happens when you set a boundary.
That fear of losing your edge is powerful, and it often drives avoidance (Lovibond, 2006). Instead of facing the discomfort of saying “no” and seeing what happens, it is easier (and more comfortable) to default to overcommitting, even when it leaves us depleted. Ironically, avoiding that short-term anxiety robs us of the chance to learn that boundaries don’t actually make us less valuable—they make us more effective.
The Creativity-Boundary Connection
In my own life as an early career academic psychologist, I wish I could say I chose to start setting boundaries at work. Instead, they were forced upon me by my daughter’s daycare hours. But the good news was that I still had the opportunity to see what happened when I said “no” or couldn’t stay late for a meeting.
What happened next surprised me. Being forced to prioritize what was important to me, rather than indiscriminately saying yes to everything, meant I was pulled in fewer directions. Instead of constantly switching between urgent tasks, my brain had the chance to go deeper on what actually mattered to me. I had the space to make novel connections, generate new ideas, and approach problems with fresh perspective. Neuroscience research backs up my experience: creative insight is more likely to arise during periods of rest and reflection than during nonstop productivity (Sawyer et al., 2011)
For me, this creative insight came in the form of developing a cutting-edge new treatment for borderline personality disorder (Sauer-Zavala et al., 2023). When I dove deeper into this area of passion for me, more aligned opportunities showed up in my inbox, like being invited all over the world to train therapists in this intervention.
Redefining Success
I’ll leave you with this:
What if success isn’t about being the busiest person in the room?
What if true success is having the clarity and energy to pursue what matters most?
Boundaries aren’t barriers to achievement. They’re the guardrails that protect our creativity and innovation. Every “no” to a misaligned commitment is really a “yes” to the kind of work and life that energizes us.
The next time you feel guilty about saying no, try reframing it: You’re not letting someone down. You’re making space for your best ideas to surface. And those ideas, not your busyness, are what move you forward.
Redefining Success
If you’ve ever felt like your success is draining you instead of fueling you, you’re not alone. The good news? Boundaries don’t limit your ambition—they give it room to breathe.
That’s exactly what I’ll be teaching in my free masterclass:
From Exhausted to Energized: The 3 Science-Backed Shifts That Make Success Feel Spacious, Not Draining.
Reserve your spot here: https://dashboard.personality-compass.com/energized
*Originally published on psychologytoday.com